people used to say to me,

i woukdnt bother with "you know who" and i never really thought of it that
way. I always persisted in being courteous and sublime in ways. But now ive
learned something else. I was worng to even want her. Back about 5 years ago
i would have never realized this but as you all know time heals the heart
and its about time that ive been healed good enough to say i love ym life.

Im not in heart breake mood anymore, its like overnight i feel happier....

im still mad i made the decision to even want her. but i guess i can easily
get over that..heck that wont take very long...which brings me to another
point, what was it that made me want her in the first place? what was i
thinking?? i should have gone out with the 3-4 other people that trued to
ask me out...thats where i belong...

anyways...stuff to think about

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who were you in high school

take the quiz...
http://www.blogthings.com/whowereyouinhighschoolquiz/

now im really confused.

if anyone is listen to me right now, im so confused right now. I feel like im well in some sort of mind trap with someone and i feel like im in a bad dream.

i wish i could wake up right now. like this is the time that usually in my dreams id want to wake up. But im not waking up....whats real and whats fake...arrg....im so confused...

ooh nice horroscope!!

Someone is looking for an intriguing influence or inspiration, and given
your stature within the group, you could fit the bill perfectly. A surge of
confident energy hits you either today or tomorrow, and it helps you realize
how much influence you truly have. Important people are paying attention to
you right now, and you might not be noticing how many questions they're
suddenly asking. There are plans in the works -- and your name keeps popping
up

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i have been restricted to home and work

this is it....the last straw!! i will never ever go to brunos ever again...its that way because i am not knowing anyone in there anyways...

i never thought it would come to this...

but im setting up my "no fly zone"or to speak. The places i cannot go in
town.

in no set up order

1)Bow falls
2)sit by the river
3) ??? right now i have no idea

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I was wrong to think...

that i could try to "win her" over. I mean she has other guys that i think
are so desperate to be with her that im sure a person like me wouldnt really
matter to her.

But let me ask you, why would, all of a sudden this thought of her come into
my mind. I mean beforehand i had not even thought once about her...just like
4-5 months ago when my life was ok and i was going to be ok. But i hit the
brick wall and now all i can think about is her. I try hard to forget, and
move on but nope, still got my head and heart on her.

I have officially become somewhat of a recluse, i cant go where i want to go
downtown, but im gonna have to not worry about work. But every night theres
no going out on my porch no doin nothin but home and work!!!

this is a good version...

ill let you guess

rrrooooar...

crag and canyon horroscope wrong..

this horroscop comes out every tuesday when the paper does. I cant remember the whole of what it said but it said tonite or sometime this week im going to face a challenge....well tonites almost over i havent faced a challenge

.the one from yahoo says

"Consistency is an important part of your life right now, and it has enabled you to decrease your stress level quite a bit. Today the placid surface of your life gets stirred up a bit, but this is something you've been waiting for -- and looking forward to. It's not an upheaval; it's an invigoration. This change is a darn good one, full of lots of positive opportunities and some possible financial benefits as well. Never before has an earthquake yielded such a beautiful landscape"

not sure that happened today...


anyways so much for astrology

i think im gonna become a recluse..

Ill find a house that has no windows and truly become a recluse, i dont ever
want to be seen or i dont want to see others.

This i say right now because my life doesnt need to be seen, my life is at
rock bottom. Dont even try to change that..

im trying to get things sorted out...

later

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the deepest dream ive ever had.

last night was extremely the worst the most deep dream ive ever had in my
life. I had somehow found myself right next to "you know" i was trying to
tell her something but she didnt want to hear it so i got really mad, like
really mad and in some way had left showing her my hatrid of the
situation...how she couldnt listen to me...

it just kept going on and on and on and on!!!

later

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i give up

all these years ive been stuck with questions as to how i could have avoided
being where i am at right now. Its like that reo speedwagon song i cant
fight this feeling anymore.

I can feel "her" presense in banff and i dont like it, if my life wasnt so
bad enough now its worse, my life sucks.

Im ready to give up on a goal or objective i had back in high school just to
well meet het or talk to her but now i give up, she can go ahead and get
married, have her kids and enjoy her life as my life dwindles towards
extinction.

i know in words on this blog it doesnt mean much or make much sense but this
is how ive felt for like 4-5 months now. i just wish i could fall off the
face of this earth....

later

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i just want to live my life

I want to be able to enjoy the summer, not have to sit behind the door,
listen to my stereo from inside....everytime i sit on my porch with music
theres this whole family on the hill that comes out to watch....i dont want
to live that way..

later

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

just when i thought i was gonna think about...

what i should do as regards to an album from me, i uh give up my
songwriting. My singing sucks, so from here on in have no singer songwriting
career..

thanks for all the people who got me here!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

so im supposed to focus on the positive...???

Had an appointment at mental clinic to talk about all of my shit. Got really
into it and she mentioned that all i am doing is focusing on the negative.

In her words she said lets say you are in a canoe and you see a rock, dont
stare at the rock or you will go in that direction and hit the rock, look at
the way you want to go and you will go in that direction.

So what she means is im focusing on travelling in the negative way. Im
heading towards the rock because all i am is negative. When i think of being
rejected i think of being a nobody, its such a deep deep feeling that its
hard to steer the boat in the other direction.

I think its gonna be hard becauce im really am searching for a new direction
in that sense but its like theres a vaccum that says stay with the
negative..

it was a good hour talk. I see her in a bout a week or 2. Im not sure if i
can tell her what i really am feeling i keep lying to myself!!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

"search for himself in his lovers eyes"....

Anyone familiar with the phrase searching for youreself in someone else??. Think about the last time you saw youreself in youre next car, or how you saw youreself in someone else. It was best said in a u2 song called "slow dancing" bono sings "and i dot know why a man, search for himself in his lovers eyes". I think it sums up alot of how im feeling right now.

ive been searching for myself in someone else, but that someone else i screwd up on. As much as many people believe, that was the only person i could find myself in. Too bad i didnt have another chance to change things.

I dont think alot of people know what real love is, when youve never had it, you appreciate that is there if you ever get it. But when most are in love they dont really know the powers it beholds.

Heres something ive never let loose. I find sometimes the dreams i have involve, well uh....emails. Like from her, being sent to me, they feel so real that i wake up and check my email to find there's nothing there...what a fricken waste of time.

I've hit rock bottom in my life, no one is my friend not that i really need them right now im at a total loss, good thing I'm not drinking or this post would be worse.

have a good night...

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

One of the most influential songs helping me blog is..

Usually when i write a long blog, it usually some from listening to either
james blunt's youre beautiful like 3,000 times or i ve listened to a u2 song
over and over.

But right now im listeing to sometimes you can make it on your own by u2. Up
next is all i want is you.

So this is just great for now. The only thing now is i have no idea what to
write about Well you could say that ive been having a hard time enjoying the
last few days. When i look at the mountans from my porch all i see the left
side of tunnel and a tiny bit of rundle. Then the 1st thing that strikes me
as weird is this huge house on that is the 1st thing i see then i look at
the mountains from my porch. I mean youd have to be blind not to see it.

To make matters worse at work all i see is beatiful women that anyday id
take but being the dorky nerd i am i really ignore them because, well i dont
know why. Its starting to cramp my style, im becoming more confused and not
surew where to turn to.

Anyways i enjoyed being home in ontario for the 1-2 weeks i was there. Got
to see at least 1 of my gazillion friends while i was there. Bumped into a
guy who was just like me in high school, really dark dark glasses he wore
almost 3/4 of the way thru school, to this day im not sure how he could see
through them. They were that dark!!

But now hes working for the local paper as some sore of rep in the
advertising feild. Sounds like hes having fun!!

Other than that i didnt get to see anyone else i know...everyone is either
in some other town or is in college and living in that same city..

well this was great. dam that all i want is you can help so much in writing
and writing..

Have a good day and enjoy whatever game you watch these days dawn!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

back home

hello/..im back in alberta

its been a while...

uploading a few new songs

soundclick.com/darrenelliott

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2