just when i thought i was gonna think about...

what i should do as regards to an album from me, i uh give up my
songwriting. My singing sucks, so from here on in have no singer songwriting

thanks for all the people who got me here!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2


so im supposed to focus on the positive...???

Had an appointment at mental clinic to talk about all of my shit. Got really
into it and she mentioned that all i am doing is focusing on the negative.

In her words she said lets say you are in a canoe and you see a rock, dont
stare at the rock or you will go in that direction and hit the rock, look at
the way you want to go and you will go in that direction.

So what she means is im focusing on travelling in the negative way. Im
heading towards the rock because all i am is negative. When i think of being
rejected i think of being a nobody, its such a deep deep feeling that its
hard to steer the boat in the other direction.

I think its gonna be hard becauce im really am searching for a new direction
in that sense but its like theres a vaccum that says stay with the

it was a good hour talk. I see her in a bout a week or 2. Im not sure if i
can tell her what i really am feeling i keep lying to myself!!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2

"search for himself in his lovers eyes"....

Anyone familiar with the phrase searching for youreself in someone
else??. Think about the last time you saw youreself in youre next car,
or how you saw youreself in someone else. It was best said in a u2
song called "slow dancing" bono sings "and i dot know why a man,
search for himself in his lovers eyes". I think it sums up alot of how
im feeling right now.

ive been searching for myself in someone else, but that someone else i
screwd up on. As much as many people believe, that was the only person
i could find myself in. Too bad i didnt have another chance to change

I dont think alot of people know what real love is, when youve never
had it, you appreciate that is there if you ever get it. But when most
are in love they dont really know the powers it beholds.

Heres something ive never let loose. I find sometimes the dreams i
have involve, well uh....emails. Like from her, being sent to me, they
feel so real that i wake up and check my email to find theres nothing
there...what a fricken waste of time.

Ive hit rock bottom in my life, no one is my friend not that i really
need them right now im a total loss, good thing im not drinking or
this post would be worse.

have a good night...

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2


One of the most influential songs helping me blog is..

Usually when i write a long blog, it usually some from listening to either
james blunt's youre beautiful like 3,000 times or i ve listened to a u2 song
over and over.

But right now im listeing to sometimes you can make it on your own by u2. Up
next is all i want is you.

So this is just great for now. The only thing now is i have no idea what to
write about Well you could say that ive been having a hard time enjoying the
last few days. When i look at the mountans from my porch all i see the left
side of tunnel and a tiny bit of rundle. Then the 1st thing that strikes me
as weird is this huge house on that is the 1st thing i see then i look at
the mountains from my porch. I mean youd have to be blind not to see it.

To make matters worse at work all i see is beatiful women that anyday id
take but being the dorky nerd i am i really ignore them because, well i dont
know why. Its starting to cramp my style, im becoming more confused and not
surew where to turn to.

Anyways i enjoyed being home in ontario for the 1-2 weeks i was there. Got
to see at least 1 of my gazillion friends while i was there. Bumped into a
guy who was just like me in high school, really dark dark glasses he wore
almost 3/4 of the way thru school, to this day im not sure how he could see
through them. They were that dark!!

But now hes working for the local paper as some sore of rep in the
advertising feild. Sounds like hes having fun!!

Other than that i didnt get to see anyone else i know...everyone is either
in some other town or is in college and living in that same city..

well this was great. dam that all i want is you can help so much in writing
and writing..

Have a good day and enjoy whatever game you watch these days dawn!!

"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2


its been a while...

uploading a few new songs


"if i cant change the world, i can change the world in me"-u2