she still doesnt understand me..

im not trying to force her to life me, im not even forcing her to look at me but i think she still doesnt get it...

i give up..sooner or later im going to end my life

test

this weeks idea...why banff??

ive thought about moving back to ontario to solve this but then theres a
chance that she has as well..but it might be ok because where we live in
ontaio is in the middle of nowhere kinda place.

Im at a place where i dont know what i want to do...im stuck...pissed off
its like this and just...well..um...i need time to myself...so fuck of...

_________________________________________________________________

update...

ive been thinking about going back to ontario and staying there permanently, which would be a good thing..i guess.

Seeing as now im hating banff. I think back to the first bit of high school i loved st marys. It was a town i couldnt get enough of but then things went so down a few years i started more and more to hate it.

I love banff now i wonder if in like 3 or four months ill hate banff..

which makes me wonder am i gonna hate every single town ive been in and also her??

lets say i hate banff and decide to live somewhere in the carribean or live in the middle east...i wonder if shes gonna make me hate the town

the reason i hate st marys is because she was always there and then this whole change in my life took place and one of the things i did was hate it...i mean i could walk its streets but i really still hated it...

anyways theres your blog for the day

_________________________________________________________________ 

no updates in a while

sorry ill update you all later!!

no more ducking and running...

A lot of time when she comes near im almost running off to feel scared and
away from her. Well today i got over that. I wanted so much to move to
another till to help someone else but i had to stay... and i dont mean to
act like a stalker but unlike my other times of leaving just before she gets
there i stayed. I felt good. I mean me and her didnt talk but i was able to
not move...man that was good..

addicted to Lost...watched last episode of lost last night of season 2.
Leads you in confusion..michaeal goes home or somewhere with walt then the
crazy guy who knew jack in the running thing at night came back and the
button wasnt pushed. I liked when locke said "i was wrong" while forks
knives and plates were being thrown about. i wonder about the hyieroglyphics
after the button doesnt get hit...

4..8..15...16...23..42

gotta love the "bad numbers"

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another meme

"Write about a vivid dream youve had recently: Describe it, including your
personal interpretation and what it has to do with your current life
events."

I had a dream about 2 months ago. It started out as me walking down the
street mindin my own business when all of a sudden i bumped into "you know
who" but it wasnt just her, there was her husband and her 3 kids. I stopped
and took a look at her for a few moments, trying to figure out why shed do
this to me and in a short moment i ran away down the street and jumped and
commited suicide. Thats when i woke up.

So how this relates to my current life is more and more im seeing look
alikes to "you know" with kids walking with them and it totally reminds me
of my dream...i wanted to chage this but i find it is too late..

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meme..

"You've been living a life filled with lies and it's time for you to come
clean. There's one lie in particular that's been eating at you and you have
to make right. Start off your response with: "I have a confession to make. I
never really . . . " and explain the harm the lie caused and how you intend
to rectify it."

I have a confession to make. I have always been lying to myself. You know
when you lie to yourself. I used to come home from school and tell my mom
everything was ok, but i was really just covering it up. There was some deep
feelings i was trying to hide.

I have never wanted someone more than the girl of my dreams. Even though it
sounds stupid but i try to get over her but the more i do the more i get
sent back to being 0% over her.

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U2 by U2

So the u2 book is out, had i been a u2.com paid member this little wonder would have been sent to me in the mail or i would have had to but it...but now im living in a town thats not got a section of music books, i shall stroll over there later to see if they sell it...but i doubt it..

top 98 things about me (meme)

98. My middle name is: i have two, laverne stanley

97. I was born on: april 17th 1981

96. Your sign: aries

95. My cell phone company: Telus Mobility

94. My eye color: unsure
93. My shoe size is: 9

92. My ring size is: no fucking clue lol

91. My height is: 5′11″

90. I am allergic to: bees??

89. I was born in: london ontario

88. I live in: banff
87. The last book I read: Bono the Interview by Michka Assayas
86. My bed is: not fuckin big enough!

85. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: That I’ll never understand them.

84. I am glad I’m my sex because: men are the stronger sex of course.

83. My favorite Holiday is: summer!!

82. The perfect kiss is: One shared with my someone from my future.

81. The last three cd’s I bought are:I can’t remember.Alot of those 20th century master ones.

80. My most treasured possessions are: My photographs and my memories

79. What did you do last night?: watched another few episodes of 2nd season of Lost
78. My skin’s reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): I burn every single freaking time.

:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::

77. Santa? Not anymore

76. Love at first sight? Yes I do

75. Luck? never had any
74. Fate? Definitely

73. Aliens? No

72. Heaven? Yes

71. Hell? Yes
70. Ghosts? Yes

69. Horoscopes? Yes, im addicted to them...

68. Soulmates? Definitely

:::::Which is Better?:::::

67. Hugs or Kisses: Both?

66. Boxers or Briefs: Boxers

65. Red heads or Black hair: Black

64. Blondes or Brunettes: Blondes

63. Hot or cold: Neitther...Warm

62. Summer or winter: Ok Heres my story...i hate summer because i hate bees, i hate winter because its always so cold...myabe i like spring and fall. I have ways of coping with this in tact banff hast two main seasons all four ar halved into 2 and i call them Wummer and Sinter. Do the Math!

61. Coffee or tea: Tea

60. Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate

59. Night or Day: Probably gotta be night

58. Oranges or Apples: Apples

57. Curly or Straight hair: Straight

:::::Here’s What I Think About:::::

56. Abortion: A choice only a woman can make. Whatever she feels is right for her.

55. Backstabbers: They can kiss my ass!

54. Parents: I love my parents, and I miss them

53. School: I’m glad I’m outta there

::::Last time I:::

52. Kissed someone: never

51. Last time I hugged someone: last week

50. Seen someone I haven’t seen in a while:number of weeks ago i was walking home and saw an old freind from my high school from my old hometown in ontario

::::MISC::::

49. Who is the ditziest person you know: Gotta be meself lol

48. Who makes you laugh the most: People on TBS

47. One thing I’m mad about right now is: Oh, I’m mad? I hadn’t noticed.

46. The last movie I saw in the theater was: Dukes of Hazzard but maybe there was one earlier than that...

45. The thing I don’t understand is: Life

44. The most unsatisfactory answer I’ve ever received is: Whatever

43. This summer I am: enjoying alot...

42. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: I left home years ago, I missed havin me laundry washed.

41. The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: is proving to those few ive moved on.

40. Today: Bored as shit. Enjoying life as long as i can, but i cant do it much longer
39. Next Week: Probably still bored as shit

38. Next Summer: Hopefully make a trip back home

37. People call me: Diesel, Dman and squints (long story)

36. The person who knows the most about me is: my sister and brother of course

35. The person that can read me the best is: my sister

34. The most difficult thing to do is: write songs again

33. I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope!

32. The one person who can’t hide things from me: ??

31. Right now I am talking to: a computer
30. I have/will get a job at: safeway in banff

29. I have these pets: none with me...1 dog back home in ontario

28. The worst sound in the world: the one that jim carey made in dumb and dumber

27. The person that made me cry the most was: i dont think i should talk about it anymore
26. My bf/gf/friend is: never had one
25. Florida or hawaii: Hawaii

24. My favorite piece of clothing is: my jean jacket which im wearing right now

23. My favorite sports are: Football and Hockey,
22. Last time I cried: uhhh ….. not too long ago.. oh wait! Yesterday afternoon!

21. Last person who hurt you: lets not talk about it

20. The all-time best movie is: Star Wars

19. The all-time best thing in the world is: Hate

18. The all-time best person you know is: my mom
17. The most annoying thing ever is: when in bf2, being shot in the middle of reloading when you are close to where the person is..
16. I lose all respect for people who: Show themselves to be untrustworthy, and not friends.

15. The movies I have cried at are: Quite a few.

14. TV show ur watching: Lost, how id love to be lost...
13. Favorite web site: My own?? lol

12. I want to be: myself more often
11. The worst pain I was ever in was: you dont know pain till you walk down the main street at midnite to figure out things...
10. My favorite phrase: "born to have it and have it he shall"

9. My room has: a guitar, a air bed, a few shelves and my clothes, im not yet in a place of my own...

8. My favorite celebrities are: Edge
7. The hottest celebrity is: unsure...pam anderson?

6. Your strongest feature is: Compassion and caring I guess

5. My weakness is: i often dont know what im doing im just doing what i feel is right..

4. If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be? id like to be a loser
3. Who broke your heart?: the girl of my dreams...shame on me..
2. I filled out 98 questions because: I had nothing better to do

1. What do you want?: Just the Time of day~

"my heart is longing for you love"

Ive been thinking alot about someone latley. At points in my life id used to
laught a bit or sorta chuckle at some thoughts. But now whenever i think
about what i used to think about and um, i just emotionally cant go on. I
moved to banff to change my life and make things better for myself. I had
spent 4 years in a sort of blur in my life i was just getting to find the
way out of my depression and a way out period...i got so close to actually
getting over "you know who".

It looks as if someone from above (ie god) is trying to force me down a path
i dont want to be on. Ive had the worst habit since grade 9 of what i call
"duck and run" there are times when i have used this habit over the past. If
i remeber it correctly i was at grad night in 2000 and the one moment i go
over and over the most is from that night. I had finished supper (we were
eating at a steakhouse in london ontario) and i just thought id be nice and
i decided to get up and walk around and talk to everyone.

I talked to pretty much everyone at that point and i even was offered a beer
to chug (everyone in the last few year of high school knew that i could chug
a whole beer. I didnt finish it because as i was making a fool of myself i
kinda noticed someone was looking at me.

Anyways i made myself around to where "she" was sitting. her boyfreind at
the time was sitting there. I knew him quite well. I stood there talking to
him for a while and then just like as if it were a dream she was walking
towards me. She was coming back from getting food. This is the moment i most
regret. I had to do my "duck and run routine" if i had more will power i
could have easily stayed there and told her how i felt and then i could
acheive something they call closure. Even if we were never together i could
live with spilling my gut. But i was scared. Unsure of wether to say
something...i ran...and 4 years later i continued to run...running away from
myself.

There has always been a feeling that comes to me when she is near. I started
feeling it once again earlier this year. I started to panic because i was
worried that now she hase moved from wherever she was in ontartio. I still
ask myself why banff?? why not bassano or lloydminster or whavever...

anyways its just a shit show here. Its like phsyically ducking and running
while im at work...sometimes when she comes in i rush off to the washroom or
somewhere to hide...i dont know why though...anyways i want to try going to
the guy i know in banff who does hypnotherapy. Mabe he can help me with
removing thoughts and dreams. Because its just not worth it.

ok thats all...later!!

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ideas on marrage and love

Its been coming into my inner voice for a while now but ive been meaning to
talk about marriage and romance and love issues.

Im noticing it more and more that marriages only last for under a year and
for others just a short time. I think its because theres no real feeling of
love between two people. Its merely just an "i love you" thing...not much
more for some people.

What love is really all about is like jack and rose in titanic where lets
say someone was married with somoene else then the husband or the wife gets
killed in some freak accident and the man is left alone. If the man shrugs
it off and doesnt think about what he just lost its not love at all.

As they say love can move mountains, and well it cant physically do that, it
feels like it. It should be like the movie the village where the two are
deeply in love. Most people i know are hardly in love at all.

There are many ways of love. Romanitc love, unrequeted love and love shyness
and there are other forms. I got caught up in unrequited love. Threw my
heart out to someone and that person never gave it back. You see i used to
go to mall fountains when im shopping in malls and i used to make a wish. I
always kept it secret but now i shall reveal all that what i used to say
when i made is wish was "i wish i was with..." i said that whole thing
every time...shall i search for a genie in a bottle to actually make that
with come true.

Something ive been thinking about lately. Ive been wondering if this is once
again unreqited or romantic love, but back in high school at the assembly's
that they had. I would search tirelessly throught all the faces in the crowd
for her. If i was in the bleachers sitting id look down and search for her
face after that id look at her for a moment.

it was just like how this short guy in this music video looks at the lady
that hes been thinking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KrNOicRecw

more to come in time

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update

i have not posted here on my blog in ages.!!

does the thought of the word help! make sense to anyone?

ok heres the story, i am stuck right now...not emotionally but more of um uh oh...

i had totally forgotten about the bee i swallowed last year, turns out it wants out...scaring me to death by the way, cant eat sleep cant do anything....

ahh im practicaly dread...

arrg...now im stuck...

no matter where i go, i cant go..what that means is...um...well..

lets say if i wanted to go down to the river to reflect on my life i cant...because someone from my past who is in town only to rub in the fact that shes married and has kids.

so im a frantic person today..im hiding in the underground so i can hide from her...

im scared....afraid....later

CD's I have recently bought and CD's i am looking for

I recently Bought

20th Century Masters-The Gin Blossoms
Collective Soul-7even Year Itch
Tragically Hip-Up to Here
U2-Under a Red Blood Sky

What im looking for

80's 90's U2 Singles
or any other well known 90's bands "best of" album

a nice update...

i havent spent much time lately postig about how i feel. Ive spent more time
worrying about someone from my past who im still trying to get an update
from my old freinds to know if she was ever out here or if this was just a
sortin out kinda thing to myself...

That IYWTVD song about 2-3 posts below is quite the song eh? It takes me
back to high school, i always listened to that song when i was at home. Who
knows someday ill be saying "but if you wear that velvet dress, i guess
ill..."

well theres not much going on tonite!!

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interesting comic

hello from canmore-ish..

here i am in the beautiful town of canmore doing my own touring around. First place i was gonna look for was that mountain rocks store, and hey i found it, so im next door at the internet cafe chatting about what im up to...im just explring canmore...

im going back to mountian tocks because i saw 2 cd's that i havent seen on the shelves of other music stores they are the u2 -under a red blood sky dvd and cd!!

see ya soon!!

ive got personal problems..

looks like im gonna be spending tonite walking the streets...im not broke or
homeless ive just personal problems.

Most nights before a day off im usually roamin down banff ave trying to
figure out what is going on in my life trying to answer the problems ive
been faced with...

so ill be walkin down banff ave sometime tonite