Ive been thinking alot about someone latley. At points in my life id used to
laught a bit or sorta chuckle at some thoughts. But now whenever i think
about what i used to think about and um, i just emotionally cant go on. I
moved to banff to change my life and make things better for myself. I had
spent 4 years in a sort of blur in my life i was just getting to find the
way out of my depression and a way out period...i got so close to actually
getting over "you know who".
It looks as if someone from above (ie god) is trying to force me down a path
i dont want to be on. Ive had the worst habit since grade 9 of what i call
"duck and run" there are times when i have used this habit over the past. If
i remeber it correctly i was at grad night in 2000 and the one moment i go
over and over the most is from that night. I had finished supper (we were
eating at a steakhouse in london ontario) and i just thought id be nice and
i decided to get up and walk around and talk to everyone.
I talked to pretty much everyone at that point and i even was offered a beer
to chug (everyone in the last few year of high school knew that i could chug
a whole beer. I didnt finish it because as i was making a fool of myself i
kinda noticed someone was looking at me.
Anyways i made myself around to where "she" was sitting. her boyfreind at
the time was sitting there. I knew him quite well. I stood there talking to
him for a while and then just like as if it were a dream she was walking
towards me. She was coming back from getting food. This is the moment i most
regret. I had to do my "duck and run routine" if i had more will power i
could have easily stayed there and told her how i felt and then i could
acheive something they call closure. Even if we were never together i could
live with spilling my gut. But i was scared. Unsure of wether to say
something...i ran...and 4 years later i continued to run...running away from
myself.
There has always been a feeling that comes to me when she is near. I started
feeling it once again earlier this year. I started to panic because i was
worried that now she hase moved from wherever she was in ontartio. I still
ask myself why banff?? why not bassano or lloydminster or whavever...
anyways its just a shit show here. Its like phsyically ducking and running
while im at work...sometimes when she comes in i rush off to the washroom or
somewhere to hide...i dont know why though...anyways i want to try going to
the guy i know in banff who does hypnotherapy. Mabe he can help me with
removing thoughts and dreams. Because its just not worth it.
ok thats all...later!!
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